The sun is beaming here today. Unusual for this country so I'm trying to enjoy it.
The dreaded night binging came back with a vengeance last night. I was up 3 times in the night binging and purging. What happened? I thought it had gone away but apparently not. It's not fun and it's just not good.
This morning I was wrecked after my nightly escapades. I dragged myself to the couch where I collapsed and promptly fell back to sleep. I intended to stay there for the day but I could hear my 2 dogs barking outside and I knew they were anxious to go walkies. So I peeled myself off the couch and piled them into my car.
We drove to a nearby lake where they had a good swim. It never ceases to amaze me how good an effect my dogs have on my mood. If I did not have them I would have surely stayed on that couch feeling sorry for myself. I suppose they take me away from myself for a moment because I have to take care of them.
Something else has been bothering me. I've posted before how at the moment I feel like I am in limbo. A wishy washy no-mans land. I don't consider myself to be in recovery but I am engaging in therapy so I guess I am trying to help myself some. My eating disorder is still very much active but my weight is not at a critical low so a lot of the time I don't feel I am sick, or sick enough although my bathroom would tell a different story.
I read a lot of pro-ana blogs but I also read recovery blogs and engage with people from both. I suppose this is a reflection of my head space, being somewhere between the two. I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a fraud, a double agent. I flirt with both ways of life without committing to either. And I think the same can be said for my recovery from drugs. From the outside I am not using illegal drugs and I am clean. But look a little closer and you will see that I abuse my methadone and anxiety meds. Again I feel in limbo. on the surface everything seems ok but dig a little deeper and you will find things are not all rosy in the garden. I would love to know if any of you feel this way too as it is a lonely place to be. I paint a smile on my face everyday, I tell my doctor everything is fine, I lie to my therapist, all for what? So people won't worry? So I can be left in peace with my addictions? To be honest I'm not really sure. Oh and I almost forgot about the shoplifting. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting but that does little to make me feel better. I'm stealing, I might only be stealing cheap food items but I'm still stealing and Iwill be caught one of these days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this but I have to be honest and I hope you will not judge me
It's been hard to write all this but I write in the hope that someone will identify or maybe even help someone else not to feel so alone.
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Lots of love xxx