Heading Home

It's Monday morning

Usually I would be at the doctors around this time

But today is different

Today I am on a train from Cork bound for Dublin

It's easier to go to Dublin first 

Then over to the west and my home town

The first train takes two hours forty minutes

Then we get a tram to Connolly train station

Where we board another train that takes three hours

After that there is a thirty minute car ride to our house

So all in all

It's a bit of a marathon of a journey

But then

I don't tend to be conscious for most of it

It's an enjoyable trip though

As we are on trains so we can drink tea and stretch our legs and use the bathroom if we need to 

Hopefully 

All going well

We should be home at about 7pm

Food for me has been really difficult this weekend 

From the moment we arrived until the moment we left 

I have been thinking about food

I guess because I am in someone else's house

I feel a bit out of control 

The foods I like to eat are not there

So I have to go to the shops and stock up

At the moment I am eating a lot of pickles

I always crave pickles when I am not feeling great physically 

I literally drink the vinegar from the jar

And the strong, tangy, sour flavour hits the spot every time

So we had to go through about four shops to find the pickles 

And the thing is 

Nothing else will do

It has to be pickles

Not gherkins 

Not spring onions 

Mixed pickles

It started on Friday when we arrived

My sisters partner had a lovely homely beef stew and mash ready for us

Perfect for a chilly winter evening 

I demolished a big bowl full

But I knew before I even started to eat

That it wouldn't stay down

I washed it all down with fizzy 7up

And excused myself to the bathroom

The house was small

Two bedrooms

And one bathroom

As I was sharing the facilities 

I needed to be quick, quiet and very clean and tidy

This started off a whole four days of eat, purge, eat, purge......

I was literally eating every few minutes

And purging just as much 

Over the weekend 

We ate out a couple of times

This is a nightmare 

Purging in public bathrooms is not an easy task 

But 

Over the years I have found ways and means of doing it

It's amazing how you never forget that stuff

As you can tell 

My purging had increased of late

It's becoming a problem again

And my body feels every bit of it 

I feel weary 

Stiff 

And sore 

I hate purging 

But I feel utterly compelled to do it

And now it seem to have set off some kind of chain reaction with eating and purging 

I literally couldn't stop eating 

And in turn purging 

I couldn't sit still on the couch

Every few minutes I would be up eating something else

It's complete obsessive behaviour

My mum has already said it to me

And I want to stop

But I feel so out of control its scary

Now I am going home 

I need to get back on track again

I think I am going to ring Mary 

And ask her for a couple of top up sessions 

I really could do with the extra support right about now

I had no scales this weekend either

Which drove me slightly batty

In my head I have gained ten pounds 

There's another problem right there 

The scales 

I really need to end that relationship once and for all

I want to be set free 

But in all reality

I know the first thing o do when I get home is to weigh myself 

This is all so horribly familiar

I've been here before 

Falling off the wagon

My ED is a slippery little sucker 

And my behaviours are snow balling at a rapid pace 

But still 

I kid myself in to thinking that I am ok 

Because I am not yet underweight 

When I know better 

I know that is complete horse shit

It doesn't matter how much you weigh

It's the behaviours

The actions 

More so than the number on the scale 

God can I spiel this stuff out

But applying it to myself is so difficult 

Anyway 

I'm looking forward to getting home

To see Honey and Lea

Who I hear have been very afraid of the storm that hit this weekend 

Thunder drives them nuts!

It's lovely to go away

But it's even lovlier to come home

I can't wait to close the door

Put a fire on 

Change in to my pyjamas 

Make a cup of tea 

And cosy up on the couch

See you on the next post.....

The Girl

There are two things that I notice more than anything else when ever I visit a city

The addicts

And the homeless 

I don't always see the shops

The lights 

The sights and the sounds 

I see the people asleep in doorways on cardboard boxes

I see the pinned and haunted eyes of heroin addicts

The empty bottles of the street drinkers 

The scatty manicness of the meth users 

The slurred speech of those on methadone

This city is no different

The first homeless guy I saw today was sitting on the cold hard ground

Dressed in a thin jumper and pants

He was visibly shivering with the cold 

His eyes on the ground in front of him

We walked by 

Stopped and looked back

We were all thinking the same thing 

The poor guy

We pooled our change and gave him five euro 

Tipping it in to his paper cup

He looked up when he heard the rattle of the change 

And stuck his hand out

As if to touch the saviour who would allow him to buy a cup of tea and a sandwich 

I usually talk to the homeless when I'm giving them something 

But with this guy

I don't know 

He looked so destitute 

I didn't think anything I could say could make him feel better

Walking away

I turned back to look at him 

He hadn't even checked his cup

His eyes still downwards

I felt guilty in that moment 

Guilty that I had so much 

And he had so little 

Life is unfair 

It's all a game of chance 

We went for lunch then 

And decided to pick the homeless man up some soup 

We walked back to where he was sitting 

There were people talking to him

Giving him bags of what I presume were food

He looked like he was rubbing tears from his eyes 

A lady kneeled at his side giving comforting words 

We decided to give the soup to another homeless person 

And it wasn't long before we met another one 

He gratefully accepted it

And we went on our way

Last night 

We went to see a musical 

After it had finished 

And we had all piled out of the theatre 

I had run across the road to the shop to get a carton of milk

I noticed a girl with two dogs out side the shop 

It was the dogs that attracted me 

And I bent down to pet them and talk too them 

And could tell by the girls demeanour that she was out of her mind 

She was skinny

Wobbly on her feet 

And louder then she needed to be

I asked her about the dogs 

She said they were rescue dogs 

That she was minding them for someone

They had no collars 

No leads 

And seemed really clingy and afraid 

I looked in to the girls eyes

Her pupils were pinned 

Her lids fighting against the weight of the heroin in her blood

I asked her if I could ask her a question

Was she on the gear

She said she was 

That she had recently relapsed after a nasty break up

She had been clean for a year 

All the while she was talking to me 

There was another guy that was in and out of the shop

Talking at great speed to the girl 

She continued to speak to me 

Then all of a sudden I just knew I had to get out of there 

This is how I've slipped before 

Putting myself in stupid situations 

I wished her good luck

And went to walk in to the shop 

Next thing I knew 

She threw her arms around me 

And gave me a huge hug

I was taken aback

But I hugged her back

And in that moment 

I wanted to take the girl and her dog home with me

Nurse her through her withdrawal 

Love her dog in to a happy and healthy little guy

I went in to the shop

The guy was ahead of me 

Buying everything and anything 

At one point he turned around and apologised to me

I said it was no problem 

Just then 

My sister appeared 

It turned out that my sister and mother had been standing across the street and witnessed the whole exchange

My sister asked me if I was ok

I said I was 

But I wasn't really

Again 

I felt a sense of guilt 

That I had got out

And that girl hadn't 

I wondered what kind of place they were living 

Was it safe?

Was it full of addicts?

Was it warm?

I also wondered about the dog

Would they look after him?

Feed him?

Would he have a bed to sleep in that night?

Would someone let him out off he needed to wee?

Or would he be forced to pee where he lay down?

These questions bothered me

And still bother me

I feel a sense of survivor guilt 

I was extremely lucky 

To make it out alive

And relatively unscathed 

There are so many who didn't 

It's more the girls that upset me

Probably because I can relate to them more

And the fact that I know drugs take a far harder toll on women 

Where I live now 

I don't have to look at it 

It's not in my face 

But here 

And in Dublin and other cities 

I see it every 

I've always struggled to describe the look that heroin addicts aquire after a certain amount of time using 

It's like their faces all become the same

That same hollow cheeked, haunted eyes look 

Like the lights are on but no one is home

I read a post once by Shane Leverne 

Who writes Memoires of a heroin head

He described one of his characters once as having a 'smack sculpted face'

These are exactly the words I had been looking for 

I couldn't have described it so perfectly 

It's Sunday morning now

And that girl is still on my mind

I'm not worried though 

I know that soon she will drift to the back 

of my mind soon enough

And I don't kid myself 

I know if I had not been with my family

I probably would have gone and used with her 

And become her new best friend 

That's the way it seems to work in the drug world

It's like a secret little community 

Where everyone is connected by the drug

Everyone has it in common

And that is enough to base whole relationships on

Whether they last an hour or a year 

Something I also noticed yesterday while taking to the girl

Was that we seemed to get in to a one upman ship about drugs 

It goes something like that like this 

You're using 3 years?

Oh I'm using 5 years?

You started using in Dublin?

Well I started in London

You nearly died once?

I actually did die 

Does this seem familiar to anyone?

Yes 

It's a lot like the game we play with out EDs 

The Hunger Games 

That's just the way it is

And I definitely don't miss that 

Anyway 

Today is the last day of our little jolly

We head back tomorrow morning 

Everyone else is still in bed

Tired after yesterday's exertions

It's nice to have some time to myself 

To make sense of last night 

Why do these things always happen to me.....

To Cork......

So

Here we are in Cork

My Mum, my sister and I 

Are all staying with my sisters partner

The journey here was a marathon

We left before 9am

And arrived at 5pm

Although

I'll tell you a little secret 

I slept most of the way in the back seat

So I wasn't as tired as the rest when we arrived

Cork is Ireland's biggest county

Lying in the south west of the country

I've only been here once before

And loved it

So was excited to come back

My sisters partner had a beautiful, homely stew with mash upon our arrival 

Just what the doctor ordered

We took it easy last night

And watched The Toy Show

Which I wrote about yesterday

If you can

I would look it up 

As it's just the perfect thing to get you in the mood for Christmas

We made our way to bed at midnight

And was out before I could even read one page of my book

I awoke first this morning 

Late for me at 9 30am

I came downstairs 

Made a huge cup of tea and toast

And waited for the others to surface

One by one 

They came downstairs 

And sausages and bacon were put on the pan 

We ate

Had a quick shower 

And piled out in to my sisters car and headed for town

Cork city is lovely

It doesn't have the manicness of Dublin

But it's bigger than the city near us at home

We wandered around the shops

I was on a strict budget 

So just bought I pair of jeggings in 

Yes you've guessed it 

Fat Face 

Stick that in your pipe anonymous 

My Mum was looking for a warm jacket 

So we all spent about 45mins in the changing rooms of one particular shop

This changing room was smaller than a toilet cubicle 

You couldn't swing a cat in it 

She didn't find anything though

Well she did 

But the prices were extortionate

So she's going to wait for the January sales

We went for lunch in the Cork opera house 

A quirky little place with coloured chairs that looked like a kindergarten 

I had the kids sausage and chips

Yes I only wanted a small portion so ordered from the kids menu

It was yummy though

A meal in miniature

We walked around for another while

And finished up in water stones book shop

Where my sister and I decided to walk home

And the others took the car

We are home now 

Going to have some grub

Before heading out to see a musical

It's called ahem..

Menopause the Musical

It's meant to be really funny 

It was either that or the ballet

So we went with the funny one

Below are some photos from today

Enjoy...

The Toy Show

As you know 

I live in Ireland 

We are a country who appreciates tradition

Especially around Christmas time

There is a long running chat show 

That is on every Friday night

Called The Late Late Show

It's really an institution in this country 

And every year 

Around the end of November 

The Late Late Show 

Transforms in to The Late Late Toy Show

Which is on tonight

I really cant explain The Toy Show and do it justice

It has to be seen to be believed

The whole studio is transformed in to a winter wonderland 

All the audience dress up

But the children are the star of the show

Some sing

Some dance 

Some try out the toys 

The opening number is always spectacular 

The host Ryan, sings and dances with the children 

And the standard of talent is enormous 

There are also celebrities 

Games 

And the audience always get loads of free toys and goodies 

I make a point of watching The Toy Show every year

Growing up it was the highlight of my life

I can remember watching it on the Friday night

And again on Sunday afternoon when it was repeated

I remember my father coming home from the pub 

Steaming drunk 

And watching the end of it with us

As I've grown up 

The Toy Show has remained an integral part of my Christmas

It's all about the children

And they really are the stars of the show

I can clearly remember two years ago

I was in treatment just before Christmas 

And The Toy Show was on one Friday night

I was pretty devastated that I had to be there for it

And I almost didn't get to see it 

As I was on bed rest

And had to ask for permission 

They let me 

You'd want to have a heart of stone to turn down that request 

So we all settled in the TV room

The ED girls with our large cups of tea

Curled up on the bucket seats 

With our legs folded under us 

And the other patients 

With their chocolate and biscuits

And electronic cigarettes 

When the ads came on

We all hauled to the smoking room next door for a cheeky smoke 

Even though we were in hospital

The atmosphere was jolly and merry 

I still think of those people 

And wonder how they are doing 

So 

Here I  am

In my pyjamas 

With a cup of tea in hand 

Waiting for the show to start

Yes I think it's happening

Christmas is most definitely here....

Methadone and trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on Monday

But my methadone was reduced 

My doctor had been talking about it for weeks

And he finally made a 2ml reduction this week

So I am now on 28mls

As you may know 

I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone 

And to be honest

More than putting up resistance 

I am petrified about it

I've been on this drug for ten years 

I'm physically and mentally 

Totally and absolutely addicted to it

My doctor asked me why I don't want to come off it

I couldn't really give him a reason 

Other than I am afraid 

I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last year

Summer 2014 

I was down to 22ml

And we could see an end point in sight 

Now the goalposts have been moved again

And that is down to me

And my fear of letting it go

It's also the structure of the methadone programme

Going to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrow

And keeps me accountable 

I know if I use 

There will be consequences 

Then there is going to the chemist 

Collecting my Meds 

It's all an integral part of my life

I would feel a bit lost without that structure 

Or maybe I wouldn't 

Maybe I would relish my new found freedom

And get a new lease on life 

I don't know 

Because I'm too afraid to try

More than coming off the methadone

I am afraid of relapsing 

The very thought chills my bones

I would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  

That use for one more day

That's how scary it is to me

In other news 

I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow

My Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights 

It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the country

But we've been meaning to go for a while now 

So tomorrow is the day

I got a text last night 

From one of the ladies from AA 

I was delighted to get the text 

I guess I thought that people would just forget about me

It has really given me the push to go back to meetings 

So I am hoping to get to one next week

Fingers crossed 

You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this week

That is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happening

Needless to say

It's not good 

I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips 

Every day it seems further and further away 

I'm not seeing Breda for another ten days

And I haven't yet contacted Mary 

As I keep hoping that things will improve

I'm reluctant to write too much about it 

As then it makes it real

Anyway 

That's it from me 

Just a short one today

I'll try and post from Cork

See you on the next post.... 

The Interview

I mentioned a little while ago 

That I recently did a Skype interview with Angela Barnett

The author of the blog Fucking Awesome Bulimics I Know (FABIK)

We spoke for two hours early one Saturday morning 

And it was a pleasure from start to finish

I answered Angela's questions

We laughed a lot 

Shared our experience, strength and hope

Despaired at the lengths we went to got our disorders 

Angela contacted me yesterday to let me know that the interview is up on her blog

So here it is

Hope you enjoy....

http://fuckingawesomebulimicsiknow.com/2015/11/22/ruby-tuesday/

The Hunger Games

One of the most dangerous aspects of anorexia

Is that the disorder always wants more

More weight loss 

To the point where sufferers become entangled in a twisted game of 'Who is the sickest?'

I've played this game 

Many times 

And no good can come if it 

Being an addict 

And having attended support groups

I have met many other girls like me

Who are cross addicted

And developed EDs as well as drug/alcohol addictions

Two girls in particular I became good friends with

We're we helping each other?

I'm not so sure 

I know I measured my weight against theirs 

One of the girls and I used to tell each other our weight

And  I committed it to memory 

And secretly tried to achieve a lower weight

They say that in regards to recovering

1/3 will recover

1/3 will live somewhere in between their disorder and recovery 

And 1/3 will never recover 

Those statistics ring true for me and my friends 

One of us has recovered

One is still knee deep in the disorder

And one is somewhere in between the two 

People with EDs 

Often have the sense that they are not sick enough 

And therefore don't deserve the title of 'anorectic'

Because there is always someone sicker or thinner than you 

If you are admitted to inpatient

The Hunger Games become amplified 

For me

Inpatient did not work 

I found that being surrounded by other disordered people made recovery and weight gain nigh on impossible 

I compared myself to other girls 

What we weighed 

What we ate

How much exercise we did 

It was all a sick and twisted game 

I just wasn't able to allow myself to gain weight in that situation

And have never completed treatment successfully

I've always done much better from home  

With support of course 

There is a kind of competition that comes with anorexia 

We wear our bones like trophies on our bodies 

We award ourselves with medals for the different milestones we achieve

Given the title of anorectic

Check

Underweight

Check

Seeing a counsellor

Check 

Inpatient

Check 

Inpatient especially has a kind of holy grail aura about it

Because we never believe we are sick enough

Being told you need to go in to inpatient is like being validated that yes you are sick enough to go to hospital  or treatment 

I know I spend much time worrying about the fact that I don't have an ED

Rather than the fact that I do have one

Although 

Having said all that 

One place that I don't feel a sense of competition

Is here on blogger

Why is that?

Probably because we get to see the real honest truth about what it's really like to live with a life threatening mental illness

The fear

The loneliness 

The isolation

The depression and anxiety

The family issues

The never ending merry-go-round of recovery and relapse

It's clear from reading about people's lives here

That an ED is not what it would have you believe 

Ive used this metaphor before 

But I will use it again

An ED is like an abuser

It grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness and success 

It paints a picture of what life will be like when you lose weight

You'll be lighter 

Prettier 

The smallest of all your friends 

And of course it will tell you that thinner people are more popular

More liked and loved 

Your boyfriend will be able to pick you up with no effort at all

You will wear anything you like

And look effortlessly beautiful

Oh yes

In return for your body

Your mind 

Your sanity

And your soul 

Anorexia will give you the life you always dreamed of

Hard to resist right? 

Once anorexia lures you in

And you are now captive 

Anorexia shows its true colours

And how evil it truly is

And once she is in your life 

Life will never be the same again

Thus far 

I've focused on anorexia

But of course there are other eating disorders

Unfortunately 

They are not given the same status that anorexia is

Bulimia for example

Is widely considered to  be anorexias less popular cousin

Having dealt with both 

I know first hand that it is a lot more difficult to talk about bulimia

If anorexia is cold, controlled and aloof

Then bulimia is loud and brash and in your face 

No one wants to admit that they throw up their food

It's messy

It's disgusting

It's not something that you talk about in polite company 

I think people feel sorry for people with anorexia

And disgusted by people with bulimia

It's not a fair appraisal at all 

Then there is binge eating disorder

And food addiction 

Which must be even more difficult to talk about 

Anorexia gets the most attention

That is for sure 

Maybe because seeing an emaciated person is so shocking 

Papers and magazines love a sensationalist story

With a shocking and disturbing picture to go with it

The same with obesity

But if you ask me

Anorexia and obesity are on the same spectrum

At opposite ends albeit

But it's the same problem

A problem with feelings

With reality 

With ourselves

And of course with food 

I have no doubt that I could easily become obese 

My relationship with food can be so disordered that it is a very real possibility 

As I have said before

I either eat none of the food

Or all of the food

There is no in between 

There is no glory in being the sickest or the thinnest

In the end 

Lives are torn apart as a result 

And really

There are no winners 

Only losers 

I know all too well that our EDs will not be satisfied until we are six feet under

Death is the ultimate prize 

There is no doubt

That eating disorders are complicated illnesses 

Often we don't know why we are doing what we are doing

But we feel compelled to do it

God knows I am going through it right now

And it's a battle to get back on track

It's so important in recovery 

To build a solid foundation on which to grow from

I think maybe that was my mistake 

I didn't have a platform from which to flourish

My recovery happened very quickly

And almost in spite of myself 

I think I started using the word recovery because I had gained weight

But then recovery really did happen

I did gain weight

My mood improved 

My anxiety and depression lifted 

But was it sustainable?

I'm not so sure

I think I need to start again

To take my time 

And build up my recovery layer by layer 

So that I have reserves

For when things turn sour 

Like now 

I am struggling to hold on to my recovery 

My ED is screaming in my ears these days 

I spoke to my family about it yesterday

For the first time 

They are worried 

As am I 

I was stupid to think that I could lose a few pounds and stop there 

I've lost too much weight in a very short space of time

My body is really suffering 

As is my mental health 

I'm thinking of ringing Mary and asking for a top up appointment 

I've also reached out to friends 

So I'm hoping to get back on track

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been caught up in The Hunger Games?

Do you think that anorexia can become a game of who is the sickest? 

What is your experience of this?

Answers on a post card please.....

Iron minds

A new show started on TV here last night

Called Iron Minds

The premise of the show is all about the correlation between physical and mental health

The show is presented by Niall Breslin

Better known as Bressie 

Bressie is the former lead singer of the band The Blizzards 

He is also a judge on the Irish The Voice

And has spoken out very publicly about his battle with depression and anxiety

Bressie is regarded as a well rounded individual here 

He also happens to be a 6'2 hunk which gets him a lot of female attention

But more than that 

He is just a really really sound guy

And genuinely wants to help others 

In recent years 

Bressie has turned to health and fitness to help him battle his demons

He runs, swims and cycles

Regularly competing in triathlons and Ironmans

To see if he could help others in the same position 

Bressie recruited four people from the four corners of Ireland

Orla 

Mark

Colm

And Jade

And put them through a series of endurance challenges 

All under the watchful eye of medical experts of course 

All the participants had varying degrees of mental illness 

Jade suffered from depression and tricotilamania 

Both the guys suffered from depression 

And Orla probably had the saddest story 

She had recently lost her Mum to cancer

And her sister to suicide 

She is also a single mother

Orla is actually from my area

She is a Pilates instructor

And attended the same yoga class I did last year

I never really said more than hello to her

But I remember my sister saying that she was a cold fish 

But it turns out she wasn't 

She was actually dealing with a hell of a lot

Her whole world was caving in 

And was probably going around in a complete haze 

It just goes to show 

You can't judge people 

As you just don't know what they are dealing with

Someone who appears unfriendly or distant or cold 

Might actually be going through the wars

Usually if someone is like that with me

I usually presume it's me they don't like or don't wAnt to talk to

But 

As I remind myself regularly 

It's not all about me 

This is a huge lesson

To make allowances for others 

You never know what is going on in their heads 

The four participants all had a base line of fitness

The all ran regularly 

And Mark was a former competitive cyclist 

So they weren't couch potatoes as such

At the beginning of the show

All four spoke about their illness

The crippling low moods 

The heavy feeling in their body

The weariness 

The feeling of being swamped by negative thoughts

I could relate to every word 

I thought they were so brave 

To go on national TV 

And talk about their deepest darkest issues 

It was clear that they all wanted to move forward 

And their strength and honesty shone through

First 

The participants were put through a fitness test 

They were also tested medically and psychologically 

And deemed fit and well to take part 

They were under the care of a team of professionals 

Nutritionists 

Psychologists 

Doctors 

And of course Bressie

Who was there for them every step of the way 

Then

The next challenge 

Was to swim in a body of open water 

Bressie brought them to a lake in the Midlands 

And had them swim 1km

They will all very anxious about the task 

But were determined to finish it

The two girls did well

And completed the swim first and second

The guys however 

Really struggled 

And one had a mini panic attack half way through the swim

Afterwards 

They had a mindfulness session 

And also cognitive behavioural therapy

Again

I was blown away by their willingness to talk so openly 

It really was inspiring

At one point in the show

Orla hit a real low point

And was struggling to cope

The psychologist visited her at home for a chat 

She spoke of how she was struggling to get over the death of her mother and sister 

She was asked if her mother was there 

What her mother would say to her

Orla replied that she would say

'Relax and enjoy it'

She was then asked if her sister was there, what Orla would say to her

She had one simple question 

'Why?

Why did you do it?

Why didn't you speak to one of us?

Why were you so proud?'

It was heartbreaking to watch 

A few weeks later 

And Bressie set their next task

To compete in a half Iron Man

Which comprised a 1km swim

A 20km bike ride

And a 5 km run

Again 

They were all extremely nervous 

But they had all trained hard 

And we're ready 

Brilliantly 

They all finished

With Jade coming first 

I could see they were on such a high

The feeling of accomplishment was clear to see on their faces 

I really enjoyed the show

And probably more so because I knew one of the participants 

I think the concept is a great idea

As I firmly believe there is a strong link between mental health and physical health

I can see it working in my own life 

I walk every day 

Lea especially is always keen to go for a walk 

And that's great for me

As some days it's hard to leave the house 

But I would never refuse my dogs a walk

I also started back swimming recently 

And go once or twice a week

I actually hate the thought of going swimming 

Having to organise myself to go

Getting in to the cold water 

And taking ages to warm up

But once I am there 

I really enjoy it

And I always feel great after pushing myself 

It's great for my mental health 

My confidence

Self esteem 

And it generally gives me a good feeling

I would also love to take up running

But my body doesn't seem to want to let me do that 

So I will stick to walking 

The show also showed 

How important it is to get out there and get stuck in to something 

Be that exercise

A support group

Volunteering 

Being around other people is good for us 

It takes us out of ourselves 

It's talking to others 

And getting out of our own heads 

It definitely helped me see that I need to do this more 

Get out of the house

Get involved in activities 

Meet people 

Learn new skills 

I am a loner at heart 

But I also love people 

So it's something to think about 

The show is on again next week

So I wil update you then

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you believe that there is a link between mental and physical health?

Have you seen that work in your own life?

Do you find that getting out and about helps you?

What role does exercise play in your life?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Not Backing Down

Apologies for not replying to comments yesterday

I just didn't have the energy

The last few days have been exhausting 

And it's taken a toll

Stupidly 

I really let those negative comments get to me 

My mood suffered 

My family noticed 

They kept telling me to shake it off

But being as hyper sensitive as I am

It took me a while

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughtful comments over the last week

Knowing that you are there makes this whole blogging experience worthwhile 

But I'm done defending myself 

Especially against faceless, nameless anonymous comments 

I guess it all points to the fact that my self esteem and self worth are not in a great place

And I need to work on that 

As they say in AA

Recovery happens sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly

It's not something that can be measured

But it's definitely something to look at

But look

These problems are small fry compared to some 

You may think I have an easy life anonymous

But you only see a fraction of my life 

I don't write about my family

And the issues going on there 

I have much that I don't write about 

So please 

Don't judge me

You have no right to 

So I'm not backing down

I'm not going to leave blogger

It means too much to me 

You mean too much to me 

And for what it's worth 

I'm not giving up on recovery either

And am trying my best to get back on track

Yes 

I have lost weight 

But I am doing everything in my power to put the brakes on

It's not easy 

Once my ED is given half a chance 

It jumps in to drivers seat

And takes over the whole show 

Let's hope this is a slip more than a relapse 

Some of you pointed out that blogging the way I do is like a job 

I've always thought that 

Blogging is something I do at the same time every day

In the same place

Often I have to research something before I write about it 

And I reply to comments which also takes time 

Granted 

It's not a paid job 

But I get something so much more than money from writing this blog 

I do it because I love it

Because I hope it helps others 

Because I feel compelled to share my story and experiences 

In the hope that it will go some way to fight the battle against eating disorders 

So

I'm here to stay 

Even if anonymous would rather I go and cry in the corner 

I guess the thing is not to react to these comments 

It only gives them power

I'm not prepared to do that any more 

And interestingly 

Anonymous did not comment on my last post 

Anyway 

That's it from me today 

This is the last time I write about this subject

I am done defending myself 

I'm off to walk my dogs 

And spend a lazy Sunday 

Yes anonymous 

What a lazy, unemployed waste of space I am.....

Judgment

I hit a really low point yesterday

Yesterday's post was written out of a place of having to defend myself 

I felt attacked by the anonymous comments who told me to 'Grow up' and 'Get a job'

And because my confidence is on the low side 

I didn't have the ability to see these what these comments were

An faceless, nameless, anonymous commenter

Someone who reads my blog

But doesn't approve of my lifestyle 

They obviously have a bee in their Bonnet about my not working 

And have been very vocal about that lately 

I actually thought about deleting my blog and leaving blogger yesterday 

That's how bad I felt 

I spoke to various members of my family 

And consensus was to ignore said comments

Read and delete

They pointed out that I don't know these people 

And their opinions shouldn't matter

Much like what a lot of you wrote on the comments section too

I'm not leaving though 

There may be negatives to writing this blog

But there are more positives 

So I will continue to blog

And continue to fight for recovery

You also suggested that I disable anonymous comments 

I would do this only that there are quite a few readers who comment under anonymous but who always leave their names 

So I don't want to do that 

Also I want to get to a place where I can read these comments and not give them a second thought

So I will leave it as it is for now

The thing is 

I felt judged yesterday 

I felt like my whole life was being torn apart 

I know I put myself out there 

So I should expect such judgment 

It's amazing how someone can get up on their high horse and cast judgment on others 

I mean 

My life is not perfect 

I do the best I can 

I am struggling at the moment 

Big time 

But I am trying my level best to get back on track 

If there is one thing I don't do 

Is judge others 

You may smoke 40 cigarettes a day

You may drink your weight in wine

You may smoke a joint from time to time

Or maybe every day 

You may never donate to charity 

Or only shower once a week

You may have stolen in your time 

Or not paid a parking fine 

You may be a staunch workaholic 

Or not work at all

You may have purple hair 

A face full of piercings 

And a body covered in tattoos

You may be gay

Bisexual 

Transgender 

Whatever it is 

I am not here to judge you

Your life is your life 

And you can do with it as you please 

Let those with out sin cast the first stone and all that 

So go ahead anonymous 

Judge me

Judge me for all your worth 

I know I'm a good person

I bet if you were dealing with what I am dealing with 

You wouldn't be perfect either

I put myself out there to help others 

And myself 

If putting others down is what does it for you 

Then go ahead 

I've dealt with worse than you in my life

Far far worse 

Live and let live I say

In the words of One Direction

'Nobody can drag me down'

Ha 

Can't believe I just quoted One Direction!

I don't even like them!

Can you tell I'm feeling better today....

The working world

An anonymous reader left a comment on yesterday's post

Asking about the fact that I don't work

And pointing out that I have it easy

I replied to the comment in my replies yesterday

But I also felt a need to write a post addressing this issue

As I'm sure there are others who wonder about my situation 

I'm not annoyed or upset by this question

And I have absolutely no problem in replying 

To the outside world

It may look like I have it easy 

And I guess in some ways I do 

I live with my Mum

And I live here not only because I can't afford to move out on my own

I live here because I like living with my Mum

To all intents and purposes 

It feels like we are house sharing

Rather than living with a parent

I contribute to rent and bills

As well as paying my own car and phone bills 

I do my share of the house work 

And we take it in turns to cook

It would make no sense for me to move out now 

And try to maintain the running of a house/flat on my own

And more than all of that 

I am happy here 

I kind of feel like I am defending myself here

And that's not why I wanted to write this post 

I may look like I am having a great ol' time not working and living off the state

It hasn't always been this way

Up until my ED developed 

And even during my ED

I worked 

I always worked 

A few years ago I was put on disability allowance

And have been on it since

My last job was teaching dance to kids 

I taught 4 classes a week

But over night 

I lost my confidence

And never went back

Confidence poses a huge obstacle for me as regards work 

I just don't have the confidence that I can do a job

And do it well

My self esteem has taken a battering over the years 

It's been shattered 

And I'm only now beginning to put it back together 

I also don't want to secure a job until I am sure that I can maintain it 

I did apply for part time positions during the summer 

But nothing came of those 

I really want to feel capable of holding down a job before I start working

I have a long history of starting things and not finishing them

And that really knocks your confidence 

I want to be in the best frame of mind possible 

And I'm just not there yet

Which brings me to my next point

I don't know guys 

I don't even think I can truthfully say that I am in recovery any more 

My head is all over the place

Purging has increased in the last couple of weeks 

My weight continues to drop 

And I am generally acting like a very eating disordered person

To be honest 

I feel like I have one foot in recovery

And one foot in my illness

Committing to neither

Trying to have my cake and eat it too

I'm caught up in the honey moon phase of losing weight

And even though I know how this story ends 

I can't seem to stop

Logically and rationally 

I know what I am doing is wrong

It's the behaviour of someone who really should know better

It's scary 

The years are flying by

One year blends in to the next

And nothing changes

Yes over the last year I have been dabbling in recovery 

But did I ever really fully commit?

That's up for debate 

I know I need to man up

And choose a path 

One way or the other 

I can't have both

One always bleeds in to another 

And I'm left in this kind of limbo

A no mans land 

Neither here nor there 

That's not where I want to be 

I want to get well 

I do 

But I have to admit 

The safety of my ED appeals to me 

In that it's all I have to worry about 

Even though it's a living hell

I don't have to deal with life on life's terms 

I have often said that death doesn't scare me

Life scares me a hell of a lot more

Thus far

I haven't been able to handle life without the use of a substance 

Or a behaviour 

The truth is 

That I've not lived in reality for a long time

And now I'm wondering if I can't handle it at all 

I find living in reality hard

I don't know 

Maybe everyone feels like this 

And they just don't say it 

Maybe people just get on with things

And maybe that's what I should do too 

I don't know

So yes 

I know I am blessed in a lot of ways 

I have a strong family around me

And if anything bad ever happens 

They are there to help me put back the pieces together 

But please 

Don't think I have it easy

I fight a battle every day

To stay clean and sober 

To not inject myself with mind and body numbing drugs 

Sometimes I see or hear or smell something that reminds me of heroin

And literally have to stop my self from jumping in to my car and heading to get drugs 

A craving is a powerful thing 

And I get them all the time

Be it heroin 

Or alcohol

Or cigarettes

I fight to not lose the plot completely where food is concerned 

As I wrote recently 

My black and white behaviours means I eat all the food 

Or none of the food

I fight not to binge

And not to purge 

It doesn't always work 

But I keep trying 

Some days I wake up with a sense of impending doom

And I don't want to get up and face the day

Some days just getting out of bed is a triumph

Some days eating my lunch and keeping it down is a victory 

And sometimes just leaving my house to walk my dogs is success 

It's all relative

It's easy to look at someone else's life and think that the grass is greener

But I wouldn't wish the issues I deal with on anyone

I hope this explains my situation a bit better

And I'm happy to answer any other questions that you have 

You know the saying don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes?

I think that applies here...

Work!

For the past week

We have been having some work done in our house

In our kitchen

There used to be a divider between the kitchen itself and the dining/sitting room

The divider was two presses/cupboards

So really the kitchen was cut in half 

And caused a real lack of space 

There was always something in the way

The table

The cupboards 

Each other

We've been meaning to get this work done for years

And this week we finally got it done

Two men came to do the work

Who I will call Sean and Peter

We know Peter well

He has been doing work for us since we moved here ten years ago

He is also the guy that used to have a crush on me 

And tried to kiss me more than once

Anyway 

Because my Mum and I don't have a man in the house 

And we manage pretty darn well without one thank you very much

My Mother and I can do some of the work

But something's we do need a hand with 

Mainly outside jobs that we just wouldn't have the strength for 

So yes 

Peter has been here from the start

And more than a handiman 

He has become a family friend 

Although my sister can't stand him

She thinks he is a bit dim

Ok

He's probably not the sharpest tool in the box

But who are we to judge?

My Mum likes him because he is reliable and pleasant 

And he is 

So 

We told Peter what we wanted done

The barrier in the kitchen moved against the side wall 

Which would completely open up the kitchen

A new wood floor in the sitting area

And also the wood floor in our dining room replaced

As it was really in bad nic

Peter put us in touch with Sean

And a date was set for the work 

Although we knew there would be some upset in the house

We really weren't prepared for the magnitude of the work thdt needed to be done 

We had to take everything out of the kitchen

Out of the cupboards

The furniture 

The kettle which was moved to my bedroom

Which was essential 

As you know how much I love my tea

The kitchen was a no go area for those few days 

Poor Honey and Lea were banished to the utility room or outside

Lea elected to sit in my car 

I don't know why 

But she loves to sit in there

The air was blue with all the swearing that was going on

It was funny really 

Because Sean was obviously in charge of the operation 

And through the walls we could hear him shouting at Peter

'No not like that

You're doing it wrong you eejit'

'Pull it don't push it you stupid man'

'Not your left, my left'

'Straight!

Straight!!!

I said straight!!!!'

It really was great entertainment 

And we often sat and listened to them rather than turning on the TV 

A few days later 

And the kitchen was done

It made a massive difference in terms of space 

We didn't know what to do with ourselves we had so much room

The dogs were also very happy as they had much more room to stretch out on the floor 

We also moved the dining table over I front of the window 

As we have a fantastic view out over the mountain 

I would post photos only my camera is playing up 

So hopefully I will get them up soon

Then work moved from the kitchen to the hall

The whole floor had to be pulled up

Which also meant every thing in the hall had to be moved 

We put furniture any where we could fit it 

And every room and every space in the house was full of stuff 

And the work men didn't always turn up when they said they would 

So we were left living in a building site for a few days 

My job during the work was chief tea maker

And yes

That is an official title 

Sean was very particular about his tea 

Very strong 

With just a drop of milk

I like to think that I've got making tea down to a fine art 

I drink bucket loads of it myself 

The men 

Or Laurel and Hardy as my sister calls 

Had their lunch at 1pm every day

It was fascinating watching them

Peter usually had a sandwich that he pulled from his jacket pocket 

It was usually wrapped in cling film

And inevitably squashed flat

Like someone sat on it 

Sean on the other hand 

Took a more serious and professional approach to his lunch

Oh yes 

He had a proper lunch bag

I say bag

But it was actually like a small rucksack 

He had a menagerie of things in that bag

Cups

A flask 

Not just one or two teabags

But a whole box 

A small carton of milk

Sandwiches 

And many packets of crisps

I used to see him eating crisps more than a couple of times a day

No chocolate though I noticed 

He must be a savoury man

So yes

Being a people watcher 

I was do interested watching them

At the end of every day 

They would stand and look at the work they had done 

They loved being praised 

Do Mum and I would ooooh and aaaaah over the great work that the big strong men had done 

It was quite funny really

The work is all but done now

And I have to say

They did a fantastic job

We have so much more room

And their work was very neat and tidy

Now it's down to us to put the house back together 

And make it look pretty 

Some other little things came up while the workmen were here

On the odd occasion that I did purge

It was quite the secret operation

I guess I could have used the upstairs bathroom

But the flush is not as good as the one downstairs 

When I had to purge I tried to time it so that the men would not be there

But it wasn't always possible

And sometimes they were right outside the bathroom door

I guess it highlighted for me how not normal my behaviour can be

To me and my family 

My ED behaviours are so common and out in the open

They they have become normal

This week was a reminder that most people do not purge after eating 

And do look after their health

In other news 

My scale is definitely fecked 

So no idea what my weight is

But I'm trying my best to allow myself to eat when I'm hungry

And keep purging to a minimum 

Now that I've lost a few kilos

I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin

My clothes feel better 

They're not riding up or puckering in places 

I look more streamlined 

But still retain my curves 

I think I might have gone down a bra cup size or two

But that's no harm either

I don't want to lose any more weight I think 

I would just like to maintain the way I am 

Which is in between a size 8 and size 10

And I am happy enough with that 

So at the moment 

Life is pretty good

My mental health is good 

My physical health is getting better all the time 

Things are not perfect 

The are things I could improve on for sure 

My intake

My social life 

My meds 

I don't think things will ever be perfect for me

But then whose life is perfect?

No one I know

That's for sure  

Fate....

It seems that fate has intervened in my little dilemma 

And my scale has packed in

Infuriatingly 

Every time I stand on it 

It gives me a different reading

It is a Weight Watchers scale 

My second one in fact

And I find them really unreliable 

When I was out for my walk

I nipped in to the chemist to see if they had a different one

But they only had WW ones

So I am now scale less

And maybe that's a good thing

For now anyway

I was getting too caught up the numbers

So at least now I can just go by how I feel 

And I feel pretty ok

My clothes fit 

My hair and nails are healthy 

My skin is fine 

So let's go with that

I was wondering about you

Whether you are in recovery or not 

How often do you weigh?

Or do you think we should weigh at all?

How often do you weigh?

How often do you think is healthy?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Trying to bounce back

Ok

So I am struggling to snap out of diet mode

In just that short space of time

I got used to not eating junk food

And not eating after my evening meal

Then of course standing on the scale every morning is addictive

Especially when the numbers are going down

You see the thing is 

My eating has been disordered for as long as I can remember 

I know a bit about nutrition

But I think I really need to educate myself about healthy eating

Because I eat what I want 

When I want 

There is no rhyme nor reason to the way I eat 

I graze instead of eating fixed meals 

Although I do have a dinner every evening

But that doesn't always stay down 

So yes

I have a lot of work to do 

Because some where over the last couple of weeks 

I have slipped in to ED mode

Without even realising it

Dare I say it 

I am enjoying the feeling of being empty 

The dizziness when I stand up

The way my clothes feel looser

The false feeling of being in control

All this is making it difficult to get back on track

I am not underweight at all

But as I always say 

EDs have little to do with weight

You could be bang on a healthy weight

But be tortured inside your head

You may not be over weight or under weight

But still be caught in the midst of mental illness 

For me 

It's about my state of mind 

And my behaviours

And I know how quickly small issues can snowball in to a full blown relapse 

They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drug

Or your ED behaviours 

For me 

It started a few weeks ago

When I weighed myself for the first time in a long time 

And then the infamous navy jeans 

I really don't want to go back to being underweight and ill

I really don't 

But once your on the run away train that is an ED 

It becomes really hard to get off

The thing is 

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't know if I have another recovery in me

The energy it takes to pull myself out of the gutter is something that I don't know if I have any more 

But I should be able to do this 

Stop myself falling down the rabbit hole

I've caught this early 

And I think I can at least hold ground for the moment 

Following on from your comments

And something that Eve wrote

I am seriously considering finding someone to help me with my diet and exercise 

Or failing that

Really researching and educating myself about maintaining a healthy body and mind 

Again

I don't want to be underweight 

But I do want to feel comfortable in my own skin

My BMI now is 21

And I think that is in or around what I have always been when healthy 

I have put my body through a lot over the years 

Really used and abused it

I want to try and be a lot kinder to it

More gentle 

Because God knows for years I put it through hell 

Starving it 

Bingeing and purging up to 20 times a day

Injecting drugs in to it

And generally treating it like a dust bin

At the moment 

I am having a battle in my head

Over what to eat

When to eat 

How much to it 

It's absolute torture

I'm going around and around in my head

Fighting with myself 

Then feeling guilty when I do it

This is all very ED I know

It's scary how quickly it can take up residence again in our lives

Before you know it 

You are knee deep in behaviours

Something that I am really missing is Mary 

She was always so helpful and practical

And just talking it over with someone really helps 

I guess I could call her 

Even just for a quick phone chat

I also have my friend from treatment who I can speak to

And will hopefully see her in the next week

She is always great to talk to too

As she is fighting the same battle that I am

So 

I guess I just keep on keeping on

Keep writing 

Keep talking 

Keep eating 

Keep remembering how far I've come

And that I don't want to go back to that vain existence 

Keep trying to live my life the best way I can 

Keep being accountable 

Honest 

About my struggles

As well as my triumphs 

Keep connecting with others in the same position as me 

Keep my supports

My family 

Who are my biggest cheer leaders

My friends 

I don't have many 

But the ones I do have are precious 

My dogs 

Who continue to be the light of my life 

I'm not giving up

I'm not backing down 

Anorexia and bulimia 

I hope you are ready for war

Because I'm not backing down without a fight 

Bring it on bitch....