The calm before the storm....

I have yesterday 

Today 

And tomorrow off work 

So far 

Work has been busy 

But manageable 

This Friday 

We are going to have 60 guests 

Many of whom are small children 

A full house 

So it's going to be mental to say the least

My new hours are now kicking in

So from this weekend 

My hours will be as follows 

4pm - 8pm Friday

8am-12pm Saturday

12pm-8pm Sunday

And 4pm - 8pm Wednesday 

This suits me fine 

About 20 hours a week 

And mostly weekends 

So I can fit all my other things around it

My only complaint is that myself and Sinead are not working together at all

We have become friends very quickly 

And text each other when we're not working 

Even though she is only 19

She is smart 

With a lot of common sense 

We get along great 

She texted me yesterday 

To let me know that a group of ladies who were staying with us 

Left a card with €125 in it for the staff

How lovely is that?

It just goes to show 

That people do appreciate your hard work 

That money will go towards a night out for the staff

And just the thought alone is so nice 

I really feel appreciated in work 

Which is such a good feeling 

Because often people don't give positive feedback 

So to get it is amazing 

And makes all my effort and hard work worth it 

Today being Wednesday 

I had horse riding this morning 

The centre is an hours drive from my house 

And today was the first day that I drove it myself 

My Mam came with me 

But I drove the whole way 

It's great to build up my confidence 

So hopefully when I pass my test 

Myself and Fintan can take turns driving 

But bloody hell 

There are some lunatics on the road 

Today 

I saw a man drive through a roundabout 

And another guy over took me on the left hand side 

My nerves were shot!

But I'm glad I did it 

I'm sure it will get easier and easier ea h time 

In other news 

I was in the supermarket with my Mam this week 

They were selling talking scales 

Holy shit 

I can't think of anything worse!

But I had a weak moment 

And put the scale in our trolley 

My Mam said nothing and just gave me a look

I was having a fight in my head 

About whether to buy it or not 

But in the end 

I put it back 

It was a moment of weakness 

And i came to my senses 

And I'm so glad I did 

Nothing wrecks my head more than weighing myself 

No good can come of it

I asked Eilish at riding today 

If it would be possible for me to do two lessons in a Wednesday 

Rather than one 

Just because I travel so far 

And having two lessons would make it more worthwhile 

Age said that it might be too much for me 

But she would think about it 

And maybe bring me out for a half day every week

That would be so brilliant If it worked out 

I just love being out there 

With the people 

Who have shown me what a true friend looks like 

The horses especially Star 

Who has gently coached me from my first lesson back in March 

There is no doubt about it 

Riding has been 

And continues to be a life line

Having made new friends 

At riding 

At work 

I now see that there are some people in my life who I would be better off without 

People who suck the life out of me 

And don't have my best interests at heart 

I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness 

I will not put up with people using me

Passive aggressively bullying me

Picking me up and putting me down when they feel like it 

No

I will not be a door mat any more 

Having said all that 

I was wondering about you 

Have you ever had to cut people out of your life?

Was it difficult?

And was it worth it?

Do you feel better off without them?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Appreciation

Even though it's Monday

I am finished work for the week

As I mainly work weekends 

And am not back in until Friday

The centre is busy these days 

About 35 guests in all

It doesn't sound like a lot 

And the capacity is 60

But there is still a lot of stuff to be done 

A guest usually stays full board 

So they get their room

A continental breakfast 

Including porridge, cereal and toast

The at 1pm

They get a three course lunch 

Of soup

Mains 

And dessert 

Then a hot tea at 6pm

It's down to me to get the dining room ready for each sitting 

And clean up afterwards 

Which includes doing all the dishes 

And there are a hell of a lot of dishes 

Then clean the dining room

And reset for the next meal

This week 

There was a group of 25 ladies all together 

Two couples 

And a single man 

It takes a while to get to know everyone

And some people you'll see more than others 

They all watched the Ireland match yesterday 

And we opened the bar for them 

I've never worked behind a bar before 

And I really liked it 

It was good to do something different 

And get out of the kitchen for a while

I mostly work with a girl called Sinead 

She is lovely 

And we get in great 

She is 19

But a very mature and savvy 19

Now we have got in to a good system of the way we work 

We are like a tag team 

We do everything together 

And have the craic too

Yesterday was a great day in work 

Myself and Sinead were doing the dining room after lunch 

When one of the ladies came in 

I saw her hand Sinead something 

That I thought was a five euro note 

Sinead wouldn't take it 

And either would I

But the guest insisted 

And told us to keep it for our selves 

Eventually we took the money 

Reluctantly 

And when I looked at it

I saw it was a €20 note 

I was shocked 

We both gave her a big hug 

And she thanked us for helping make their holiday 

How nice was that?

That's a big tip to me 

And means I have a little extra to get through the week 

Then after that 

I was in the office with my manager Georgina 

Trying to sort out my tax 

I was just heading out the door 

When she called be back and told me that I am doing a great job

She said that I am hard working 

Not afraid to muck in 

And that I ooze warmth and compassion 

I was blown away by this 

It was so lovely to hear

And in fact it was exactly what I needed to hear 

As I doubt myself so much 

And have regular crisis of confidence 

But they affirmation just made my day

I told Georgina that I thought the job was doing me the world of good 

And that I could feel my confidence getting better every day

She said she had noticed it too 

Then I got some more good news 

Like my day couldn't get any better 

Georgina told me that she's going to keep me on in September 

How awesome is that?

It's totally awesome!!

After that 

My shift was nearly over 

And all our work was done 

So I sat out the front and chatted to some of the guests 

There was one man called Gerry 

He told me that I am a very special person 

And gave me a big hug when I was leaving 

I left work on cloud nine 

With a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy 

For the first time since I started work 

I really feel appreciated 

It's one thing getting paid for the work 

And of course that is why we do it 

But hearing the words of appreciation is just the cherry on the cake for me 

It makes it all worth while 

You know I just go about my business in work 

I'm friendly 

Chat with the guests 

And am always willing to do any thing to help out with them

Myself and Sinead are similar 

In that we both want to make their holiday a special one 

And will do anything we can to do that 

Because these are vulnerable people 

Who might not ordinarily get a holiday 

And that just makes me want to do more to make their stay a great one 

So yes 

Today was a good day 

The only thing I have to watch is my food 

I tend to be on the go for long periods of time 

And I can forget to eat 

But I feel so shit when I don't eat 

So I try and have something 

A small dinner 

Or a sandwich 

Something just to keep me going 

I need to remember that I am doing so much running around at work 

That I probably need to eat that but more 

Just to keep my energy up 

Anyway 

That's ok 

I'll figure it out 

Ok 

That's me for today 

I'm off to have a wee rest 

And a cuppa 

See you on the next post.....

Today.....

Today 

I am grateful for my health 

That despite the hell I have put my body through over the years

It has survived this far 

Relatively unscathed 

Today 

I am grateful for my family 

Even though we have been at logger heads over the years 

We still managed to get through it

And come out stronger than ever

Today 

I am grateful for my beautiful pups

Honey and Lea 

Who have been at my side for the past eleven years 

Always there 

So loving 

So full of joy 

They have saved my sanity countless times 

Today 

I am grateful for my job

It means so much to me 

That someone would take a chance on me and hire me

It feels amazing to be earning my own money 

It's doing wonders for my confidence and  self esteem 

Today 

I am grateful to you 

My blogger family 

Who have been there for me through out the last four years 

You have been there when I couldn't face real life 

And you became close friends and confidants 

Today 

I am grateful for my horse therapy 

I can recommend it enough 

I'm also so grateful for the friends I have made through riding 

It just goes to show 

If I am willing to push myself out of my comfort zone 

And try new things 

The pay off is huge 

Today 

I am grateful for my mental and physical health 

I leave work every day feeling so blessed that I have all my facilities in tact 

No everyone is so lucky 

Today 

I am grateful to clean and sober 

And ED free 

Or at least as free as I can be 

Removing drink and drugs from my life was the first step 

Then I had to learn how to live clean and sober 

Find new and healthy ways of coping 

Today I feel incredibly grateful

That I live in a country 

Where I am free to do and say as I please 

I live in a first world country

Where clean water 

And first class medical care is the norm 

Really and truly

I have so much to be grateful for 

I have everything I could possibly need or want 

And even though I've fought some tough battles over the years 

I wouldn't change one little thing 

What are you grateful for today?

Doctor

As I wrote in my last post 

I did a really silly thing yesterday 

And accidentally took two days methadone 

Instead of one 

It was a genuine mistake 

I had just come in from work 

Was very tired 

And just didn't think 

I then panicked 

As I realised that I was now one day short 

I am not working until 5pm today

And I had no appointment with my doctor 

And knew I wouldn't get one 

So I decided to head to the surgery first thing this morning 

And bypassed the receptionist 

And went and sat outside my doctors room 

I know that's a bit cheeky 

But it was a special circumstance 

He came in with his first patient 

And have me a nod when he saw me 

When the patient came out 

He called me in 

I apologised for ambushing him first thing on a Monday morning 

And explained it was a bit of an emergency 

I told him what I had done 

And thankfully he understood 

And write me out a new script straight away 

This has never happened me before 

And I was so glad that he saw me 

And believed me 

As I'm sure it could have looked like I was just looking for me meds 

I was very grateful though 

They he saw me 

And gave me the script with no questions 

I thanked him for seeing me 

And went in my way 

I guess I am very lucky 

That I have a great relationship with my doctor 

And he will see me at a moments notice 

I know that it is not typical that a doctor will do that 

But 

I have been seeing him every week for over ten years 

And I don't cause any trouble 

Yes 

I can be awkward when it comes to reducing meds 

But I am always honest with my doctor 

And I don't take the piss at all

I'm incredibly grateful to have an understanding and empathetic doctor

Not every one does 

In other news 

I have had a lot of very interesting and insightful comments on my blog over the last few days 

It seems like the direction of my blog is changing 

And so are my readers and comments 

After my last post about horse riding 

And the instructor 

Someone left a very interesting comment 

I think it was Shelby if I remember correctly 

She wrote about how people outside of family, therapists, nurses and doctors 

Can be opinionated 

Bossy 

Rude even 

But that's life for you 

I think it's a very interesting point 

Thus far 

The people I have encountered 

Are mostly family of course 

My doctor 

My psychiatrist

My counsellors 

Staff in treatment centres 

People who care 

And are very kind and gentle 

Now I am out in the big bad world 

Working 

And putting myself out there a lot more 

So of course I am meeting a wide variety of people 

And not everyone is as tuned in to me as say my family 

And that's perfectly fine 

I don't tell everyone I meet about my issues 

That wouldn't be right 

So people can be assholes 

That's life

Thankfully 

The people I've encountered so far 

Have been amazingly friendly and kind 

Especially at work 

My co workers are so lovely 

Always willing to help out 

And good craic too

But of course I have met some people who aren't so nice 

Not so much in work 

But in every day life 

And that's fine 

It's unrealistic to presume that we will get on with everyone 

Not everyone will get on

And not everyone will like us 

That's just the way it is 

So yes 

My life is a hell of a lot more interesting  now 

I am making new friends 

My confidence is growing a little bit every day 

And it feels so good to have s purpose 

A reason to get up in the morning 

To have my own money 

That I earned and worked hard for 

It's such a satisfying feeling 

And also having a pay cheque every week is a bonus 

Actually having a bit extra money is amazing 

I don't have to scrimp and save

And I can treat  myself now and again 

So all in all 

Life is good 

My life is full 

With work 

With my hobbies 

Horse riding 

Writing 

My dogs 

I feel good 

Fulfilled 

Content 

Happy even 

Long may it last.....

Lady

I went horse riding again today

At the stables near my house

Today I was on Lady

Who is in fact Rayons mother

Rayon you might remember from last week who was like a bolt of lightening he was so fast

I was in a class of four today

With Lisa 

Who you might also remember from last week 

Who is the ex show jumper 

Chloe who actually works at the stables 

And another kid whose name I didn't get

Right from the start 

I felt way out of my depth

All these girls had been riding for years 

And here I was with less than four months experience 

Trying my best to keep up

Roisin was out instructor again today 

This lesson feels a lot different from the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday 

I feel a lot more pressure at these lessons 

To perfect things 

And to get things right 

Horse therapy is so much more gentle and relaxed 

Of course we try and do things right there too

But these lessons are definitely proper lessons 

So yea 

I did feel like I was trying to keep up today 

I'm really trying to work on my canter 

Roisin tells me I am bouncing rather than sitting in 

At one point she said everyone was sitting in except for me 

That didn't help my confidence much 

But then again 

At another point she said I was doing well for a beginner

I would love to ask Roisin if it is worth my while keeping it up 

I mean shit

I know I'm never going to be a champion horse rider 

But it would like to know if I am making progress 

As I am trying really hard 

And it's always nice to get some positive feedback 

I forgot to ask Roisin today 

But I will definitely ask her next week

I just want to know that all my hard work is not in vain 

And I am at least improving A little 

I came home feeling a bit deflated after the lesson 

And did something incredibly stupid 

I was measuring out my methadone 

Thinking I only had today's and tomorrow left 

And accidentally took two days instead of one

Which leaves me with no methadone for Monday 

How stupid of me 

Now I'm going to have to get to the doctor on Monday

Which is a right pain 

But I can't go without it 

It had to be done 

So needless to say 

I am not having a good day so far 

Roisin tells me that cantering should be easier 

But I feel like I am bouncing quite a lot m

I try to sit in

And do the things that Roisin shouts at me 

But I just felt like a total numpty today 

In comparison with the others 

I had a chat with my Mam when I came home 

She thinks I put too much pressure on myself 

She is not wrong 

I am very hard on myself 

And I want everything done yesterday 

I have to remember to pace myself 

To allow myself time to learn and improve 

I mean I do love it 

But I probably  enjoy horse therapy more 

I know some of you have experience with horses 

Don't was wondering if you had any advice 

For someone whose confidence is at an all time low 

I want to ask for feedback from the instructors 

But part of me is afraid they are going to say that I should probably not give up my day job

I don't know 

I guess I am just having a rough day 

Below are some photos from today 

I keep forgetting to get a photo when I'm on the horse 

The first ones are of me and the beautiful Lady 

The last couple are of myself and Lady

And Lisa and Rayon

Also 

Any tips and advice on riding are very much appreciated 

A weighty issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog 

I became slightly paranoid

I worried what people would think about the way I look

Would they think I was chunky?

Too big?

With big boobs and big hips

I wasn't happy with the photos 

But then I never am 

So I posted them anyway 

As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while 

I have no earthly clue what I weigh

And haven't weighed in a couple of months 

I do get curious from time to time 

But I really do think I am better off not knowing 

Ignorance is bliss and all that 

The last time I weighed I was X kilos

Putting me at a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that 

That is healthy 

I don't try to control my weight anymore 

I don't watch what I eat

I don't restrict or cut out any food groups 

I allow myself sweets and treats 

I believe everything in moderation

Including moderation

As for my weight 

Well

I guess I am going by how I feel 

Rather than what I look like

Or what I weigh

And I do feel good 

I do feel healthy

And my clothes still fit perfectly 

So I am happy enough with that 

I can't lie though 

Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself 

And I plan to buy a set of scales 

But 

I soon come to my senses 

And realise that would be a step back

I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body 

I am so used to bring small and weak

But at the moment I am strong and fit 

Horse riding is helping me tone up

And I feel curvy and shapely 

My body image varies from day to day 

Some days I hate what I see in the mirror 

Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me 

Some days all I see are rolls of fat 

But I also have good days 

When I appreciate my hour glass figure 

When I can see how womanly my curves are 

When I can appreciate the marvellous instrument that my body is 

I no longer hanker after a stick thin body 

I no longer wish I was underweight 

Not only is it not a good look

It's down right unhealthy and dangerous 

So 

I will continue not to weigh 

As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds 

But I thought that last year 

And ended up losing 12 kilos 

And relapsing quite spectacularly 

I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recovery

I know I've never been able to do that 

Because I don't know when to stop

It's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' 

And before you know it 

Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bread

And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapper

You know what?

I don't want to be pin thin

I know I can't be that way without being desperately ill

And more than that 

I don't want to be they way 

You know what happens when you are severely underweight?

People pity you 

And feel sorry for you 

I used to welcome that pity 

But not anymore 

No way 

I don't want pity or sympathy 

I don't want people to feel sorry for me

Yes I want to be liked 

But not at the expense of my health 

Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not 

I have enough people in my life who like and love me 

More than enough 

I am well at the moment 

The best I've been in a very long time 

So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well 

While trying to let go of those that hold me back 

It's a balancing act 

But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life 

I know I am blessed 

Yes 

I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life 

But I've also been granted the strength to get through it 

I'm growing up 

I'm thriving right now 

Work is bringing out the best in me 

And I'm just so happy to be living my life 

And growing and blossoming as a person 

As woman 

As a daughter 

A friend 

A sister 

An auntie 

A horse rider 

A doggy mama 

A worker 

I am truly so much more than my illness 

I know that now 

My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life 

How awesome is that......?

Tuesday

I've been working for the last few days 

And today I am free

As I am for the next few days

I swear

I am so confused with the days since I started working 

So I am a bit all over the place in that respect

Work is going well

I am basically left to my own devices

It's great that I have no one looking over my shoulder 

I just get on with my work

And pretty much do my own thing

There was a new crowd in this week

A group from Dublin

These people were a little bit special 

But they were the nicest people you could meet 

They were mostly men 

But there were three ladies too

13 altogether 

It was great because some of the men actually helped us serve dinner 

When the chef sent it up to the dining room in the dumb waiter 

They were there waiting to hand it out to people 

My first day there 

I kept mixing up their names 

And it wasn't until my last day yesterday that I was really getting to know them

There was the lady who liked a few drinks and came on to the night porter 

The man who paced up and down constantly 

The man who had corn flakes for breakfast, lunch and tea

The man who ate and ate and was constantly asking for cups of tea

And the man who was my secret favourite 

He was so polite 

And one day told me that I was a 'shining star'

How nice is that?

But really 

They were mentally unwell 

And some of their stories would break your heart 

I leave work every day feeling very grateful for my mental and physical health 

There was one man who had been severely mentally damaged from drugs 

He had also been in the army 

He came looking for tea a lot 

And put a ton of sugar in it

But all in all 

They were a pleasure 

Yesterday 

I said good by to them all 

And again 

I got hugs and kisses and thank yous 

But that wasn't the last time I saw them 

I was walking Lea through town this morning 

And we called in to the holiday centre 

Some of the men were there 

And they all wanted to rub Lea

But if course she barked her head off 

Which I knew she would because she is nervous with strangers 

It was nice to see them though 

You really form bonds and relationships with these people 

And they are the best of craic

I've just been in to see my doctor 

Nothing to report there 

Just in and out 

Just the way I like it

So I am now just sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my script 

All in all

Things are going quite well 

Work is keeping me honest 

My dogs are keeping me sane 

And my horse riding is keeping me fulfilled and excited 

So I really can't complain 

I now eat two of my meals in work 

I have my breakfast after the guests have theirs 

Then I have my lunch while the guests are eating theirs 

Yesterday I ate a fish dinner 

And didn't even think of purging 

Which is pretty amazing given where I was a few short months ago 

It's great though 

Work takes me out of my own head 

And I don't have time to think and over think

It is also massively helping with my confidence 

Chatting to people 

And meeting new people every week

Is really helping me to shake off my shyness and really engage with others 

So yes 

I am really enjoying work 

Of course 

It is hard work 

I'm on my feet all day 

Running up and down stairs 

Lifting 

Carrying 

Washing 

Drying 

Cleaning 

Brushing mopping 

Dealing with inquiries 

Serving food 

Collecting dishes 

It's tough going 

But I love it 

The day flies in as I'm so busy 

And of course it is so brilliant to get a pay cheque every week

It's all very well being on disability 

And having money for doing nothing 

But earning it is so satisfying 

And good for my self esteem

So it's so good to be able to say that I am now working 

I am now earning my own money 

Paying my own way 

Contributing to society 

I think it came at exactly the right time 

Any sooner 

And I might not have been ready 

Because it is run by a charity 

It's not profit driven 

It's all about providing a holiday for people who might ordinarily get a holiday 

To really treat them 

And make a fuss of them

It gives me great satisfaction to know that I am helping make their holiday an enjoyable one 

That I am making a difference 

So yes 

All is good 

I am good 

And I am so grateful for that 

I am even more accepting of my body 

I am toning up around my shoulders and arms due to the horse riding 

And my legs feel tighter too

So that makes dressing a less stressful experience 

Ok 

I'm off for a cuppa and a little rest 

See you on the next post....

Rayon and Benson

Today 

I went for another horse riding lesson 

In the centre near my house

I was just getting suited and booted 

When a tall blonde girl came over and introduced herself 

She said her name was Lisa

And did I mind if she came and joined my lesson 

Of course I didn't 

The more the merrier

Lisa told me that she had been riding her whole life 

But hadn't been at all in the last three years 

And get this

She was a show jumper no less!

All of a sudden 

I was afraid I would be out of my depth in the lesson

But Lisa assured me that she was unfit and out of practise 

After chatting for a few minutes 

We went around to meet Roisin the instructor 

She brought a horse called Benson for Lisa

And Rayon for me 

Usually I ride Princess

Who is what they call a confidence giver

But today Roisin assured me that I was ready for a bigger and faster horse 

We walked across the road 

And over to the outdoor arena

I mounted Rayon

And straight away 

I could tell she was going to be a lot faster 

We walked around the arena at first 

To get a feel for the horses 

And then on to a trot 

And holy shit!

With not much coercion from me 

Rayon took off like a rocket!

She was was so fast 

And she was paying precious little attention to me trying to stop her

It's funny 

For the past few weeks 

I've had trouble trying to get Princess to go

Now I had the opposite problem

When Rayon was in front 

She was tearing around the arena

And when Benson was in front 

Rayon literally had her nose to his behind

Lisa took to it like a duck to water 

And Benson was definitely slower than Rayon

A while in to the session

Roisin asked if we wanted to try to canter 

Lisa went first on Benson

And she was looking good 

Then came my turn 

And again

Rayon shot off

She galloped around that arena at top speed 

And only stopped when she came behind Benson

On my second canter 

I felt like I was bouncing a lot 

And I don't think Rayon liked that 

As at one point she dropped her head 

And I thought she was going to buck me off

I started to slip off one side of her 

And had to reach for wards and grab her neck to hang on

Poor Roisin

She nearly lost her life watching 

She said she was sure Rayon was going to buck 

Roisin then suggested we swap horses 

So Lisa could experience a faster horse 

And I could get my bearings again on a slower horse 

Benson was lovely 

He was in no panic to get around the area 

And cantering on him felt lovely 

But again 

At one point 

I thought he was going to buck 

I had a chat with Roisin afterwards 

And she thinks they might be trying to buck because I'm bouncing so much 

That it might be agitating the horse 

In a canter 

They say to 'Sit in' to the saddle 

And wipe the seat with your bum

I gues for me 

There are so many things that I am trying to remember 

That sometimes it goes a bit pear shaped 

Lisa also found Rayon like a bolt of lightening 

So I was glad it wasn't just me 

I was more than ready for the lesson to be over 

I felt like I had no control over Rayon

And he was just sprinting as fast as she could 

She wasn't taking heed of my commands 

And heck if I could get her to stop!

We walked back to the centre 

Laughing about what had happened 

But I seriously think that Roisin was worried I was going to be bucked off

And now that I am home and thinking about it

It was freakin'scary

Even watching Lisa canter on Rayon

She struggled to control her too

I swear that horse was like a bat out of hell!

But apart from the fear of being thrown off

I loved it 

It felt amazing to be on a bigger and faster horse 

And to be making progress

As I always do 

I asked Roisin at the end of the session if I am making progress 

She assures me that I am 

I really hope I am 

But as she said 

If I enjoy it 

To keep doing it

I mean I know I'll never be a champion horse rider 

Or anything like it 

But I would like to reach my potential 

What ever that may be 

I haven't told Eilish and my friends at horse therapy that I am doing extra lessons 

But I do have a plan 

I'm going to continue to ride at both centres until September 

Then I am going to ask Eilish if I can do two lessons with her on a Wednesday 

As it's such a trek from my house 

It would be more worthwhile for me to do two lessons instead of one

So until then 

I will continue to ride with Roisin at the stables near my house 

It's a very different experience riding at both stables 

In the ones near my house 

We concentrate on all the little details 

But with Eilish it's a lot more gentle 

I want to say more caring and nurturing 

She brings us along gently 

So between the two

I think I am getting a good foundation in in horse riding 

So that was my Saturdsy morning 

Exciting no?

I'm back to work tomorrow 

Just for two days 

I'll be working with the other new girl 

And she is lovely 

So I am looking forward to that 

I got paid for the first time last Thursday 

And even though the emergency taxed me

And I only got about half of what I'm owed 

It was still very special to have my first legitimate pay check in years

I can already feel the benefit of working 

My confidence is improving 

I feel more sure of myself 

And more capable and able 

Which is exactly what I hoped would happen 

So happy days all around!!

I'm off to make a cuppa and s ham roll

See you on the next post...

Moving on

Thank you for all of your feedback on my last post

And your kind words 

I'm still thinking about my blog

But one thing is for sure

I will not be going anywhere 

And I will continue to blog

I guess it makes sense really 

They I am struggling to find my blog voice again 

The last six months have been a whirlwind 

I almost feel like I have been carried this far 

My feet barely touching the ground 

There has been a lot of change recently 

And a lot of growth 

This is all good

And it feels amazing to have come this far 

I'm sure you have noticed that I am not writing much about my ED or addiction recently 

There just hasn't been anything to report 

I'm taking my meds correctly 

I'm eating my meals and snacks 

And rarely purging 

I guess I am moving on

And letting go of some of the crutches that have held me up this far 

So I've been thinking 

I probably won't post every day

I remember when I first started blogging 

I used to blog Monday, Wednesday and Friday

So I'm thinking I will go back to that pattern 

My blog will about life after ED and addiction

Rather than life with it 

Because in guessing there will be a whole adjustment period 

Becoming accustomed to real life 

With no vices to fall back on 

It will just be me 

Ruby 

Stripped back

Raw 

With all the ups and downs of life in recovery 

It makes perfect sense really 

I was wondering what I would write about 

And of course recovery is what I will write about 

Because that's what I am living 

It's what I know 

So 

I'm sticking around 

I'm still going to continue to raise awareness about eating disorders 

Still strive for recovery 

For others and myself 

Still going fight for a better life 

Are you with me??

What to do with my blog?

I saw Mary this morning 

It was great to be able to give her a good report about all the good things that are happening in my life

She was truly delighted for me 

And said it made her job worthwhile 

Seeing people like me get well

I was also so happy to tell her that I am barely purging any more 

Since starting work

It has really been a rarity 

Mary asked me to draw a pi chart 

Of all the different areas in my life 

It was quite a struggle to fit everything in 

She asked me about blogging 

And it got me thinking 

I guess my blog has taken a back seat recently 

And it seems to be evolving 

Up until now 

My blog has been been about living with and managing my ED and addiction

Most of my posts thus far have been ED based 

And that's fine 

Because that's what was going on for me

And it was great to be part of a community that thrived on supporting each other 

But now I find myself asking 

Where my blog is going now?

I feel a little bit like I am in limbo

I don't consider myself eating disordered in the clinical sense anymore 

But I still have a long way to go as far as recovery is concerned 

I have to be honest 

Over the past couple of weeks 

I have thought about stopping blogging altogether 

As I don't know what I have to offer this community anymore 

And my real life is so full 

I don't have time like I used to

And I don't know if my blog is the hub that it once was 

I seem to get less readers and comments 

That shouldn't matter 

And it doesn't 

But I guess it makes me feel like my blog isn't wanted or needed anymore 

Then there is the fact that blogger seems to be passé now 

More and more people seem to use Instagram now a days 

And less and less people seem to be using blogger 

It kind of feels like a ghost town lately 

With all that said 

I don't really know what to do 

Or where to go from here 

I really want to keep writing and blogging 

But maybe 

Like a lot of things in my life 

It's time to move on 

I don't know 

It's something I am going to have to work through I guess 

And hopefully what I'm supposed to do will become clear

I was wondering what you think

Have you experienced this with blogging and recovery?

Have you felt like me and wondered what next?

Do you think my blog is needed and wanted?

I would really love your feedback on this one so do get in touch 

I appreciate it 

Day off!

Today is a wonderful day 

As I am now off work until Sunday

The feeling is amazing 

Having worked four long shifts the last four days 

I am more than ready for a rest

Work is going well

Of course I am still very green

And forgetting things left, right and centre 

But look

I am doing my best 

And they tell me in work that I am flying it

Yesterday 

I was on with Georgina 

And she deliberately left me on my own to do breakfast and lunch 

I had a bit of a crisis of confidence in the morning 

As I dished out too many bowls of porridge 

And it went cold 

And had to reheated 

But 

As Georgina says 

You live and learn 

My colleagues couldn't be more helpful 

They are endlessly patient

And always willing to lend a hand 

There are to chefs who also work in the kitchen 

They are brothers 

32 and 38 

I was helping one of them prepare chicken yesterday afternoon 

And he asked me what age I am 

I told him to guess 

He said 23 

Ha!

That made my day 

He couldn't believe that was 34

I love to give people a good shock sometimes 

Anyway 

I am settling in well 

And finding my bearings slowly but surely 

Georgina is an amazing lady 

I was chatting with her over tea and toast yesterday 

Her background is in hotels 

And you can really tell

She doesn't waste a bit of energy 

Every move she makes 

She is doing something productive

She moves at lightning speed 

And manages beautifully the balance between hard work

And having the craic 

She is someone I really look up to 

She is a working woman 

With a busy family life 

It can't be easy 

But she makes it look effortless 

I am really enjoying work though 

I get up

At 7 am

To be in work for 8am

I prepare the breakfast 

Which is just a continental one

Then I have a cuppa 

Before the guests arrive 

The dining by room is up stairs

And the kitchen is down stairs 

So I have a path worn on that stairs 

There is a dumb waiter to put the food in

Which essentially is a small lift for the food

I serve the food 

Chat to the guests

And try to keep on top of things 

It was mostly ladies in this week

With only a couple of men

And they are so lovely 

They are people who don't have much money 

And going away on holiday is a massive thing for them 

I told the ladies that I wouldn't see them again 

As they are all leaving Thursday 

And I'm not back until Sunday 

Well let me tell you 

I got hugs and kisses and such lovely compliments 

That truly made all the  hard work so very worth it

The chef keeps a small dinner for me every day 

And I have to say 

The food is really tasty 

It's none of your fancy stuff 

Just honest home cooking done well

My favourite kind

Sometimes I get a chance to eat it 

Sometimes I don't 

And in that case I will bring it home 

And split it with mam 

So 

After breakfast 

I wash up 

Clean the dining my room 

As reset it for lunch 

Which takes a little while 

Lunch is at 1pm 

And it's three courses

So there's quite a bit to do 

I swear I am on my feet all the time 

And it's exhausting 

Draining 

By the end of the day 

I am pretty wrecked 

All I can do is flake out on the couch L

But it's a nice feeling 

A feeling that I've really earned my rest 

Even writing this post 

I keep nodding off

I mentioned my Dad in a post a few days ago 

And that he received some bad news about his health 

To be honest 

I am in denial about the whole thing

And work is a great distraction

You might remember that I went to Dublin with him a few weeks ago

To see a consultant neurologist 

And Dad had some tests done

Basically he is losing the power in his hands and arms 

And it seems to be getting worse all the time 

So last week 

He got the results 

And the consultant thinks it might be MND 

Dad has to go to the top neurologist in the country for a definite diagnosis

I had never head of MND

It's short for motor neuron disease

So it's really serious 

I was speaking to Georgina about it 

And her sister has it 

She is only 42

She asked me if I know much about MND

Which I don't 

She said not to read up on it 

It will only upset me 

I have deliberately not looked it up 

I really just don't want to know at the moment 

Because I know it will break my heart 

Of course I will find out for myself 

But at this moment 

Ignorance is bliss

Dad has asked me not to tell anyone 

But I need to talk to people 

I can't bottle this 

I need an outlet 

Anyway 

All we can really do is make the most of the time now, while he is still relatively ok

One thing Gergina said 

Is that we have a long and hard road against us 

But it's my Dad I feel sorry for 

Right 

I'm off to have a sleep 

I can barely keep my eyes open 

See you on the next post....

Working woman!

Yes

That is me at the moment 

I am a working woman

And delighted to be

I didn't get to post the last couple of days 

As I am on the 8am - 4pm shift for the bank holiday weekend 

So tomorrow is the end of my working week

And I'm not back in until Sunday

So I have six glorious days off

Every evening 

I have come home 

Had a cuppa 

Then flaked out on the couch 

To rest my weary bones

The job is going well I think 

At least I hope it is 

I am doing my best to learn quickly 

But if course it's going to take a couple of weeks to really get the hang of it

The job itself is a lot different to what I thought it would be

I thought I would mainly be on reception

But in actual fact 

I am in the kitchen and the dining room most of the time 

It's busy busy 

And the house isn't even full

There are only 21 staying at the moment 

And the house holds 60

I have to say 

I really like it 

It's go go all the time 

Just the way I like it 

The staff are lovely 

Endlessly patient 

And so willing to help out this newbie 

The guests are a hoot 

There is a young at heart club from Dublin

Nine elderly ladies who are salt of the earth

So sound 

And do polite 

In between all the work 

We do get a chance to chat with people 

And have the craic

I don't know how the perceive me 

The weird girl with the piercings and shaved head 

But I've been told I am pretty 

I am a good worker 

And my favourite 

A good girl 

So that is nice to hear

This is just a quick post 

To let you know that I am alive and kicking 

And working hard 

Payday is Thursday 

And I can hardly wait!

It's going to be awesome to actually be paid!

My first mission when I get paid is to bring my family out for dinner 

Georgina said there may be problems with tax the first couple of weeks 

But hopefully not 

And it will all run smoothly 

I hope you are all well 

I need to catch up on blogs 

But at the moment life is intervening 

I can remember writing once 

They it was a sad fact that my virtual life was more active than my real life 

Well now I can most definitely say the opposite 

I am living my life now

I'm taking control of my own destiny 

This is another step on the ladder that is recovery 

ED wise 

I'm doing ok 

Because I'm working 

And on my feet all day 

I know I need to eat regularly 

It I will keep over in no time 

So I usually grab a cuppa at home before I leave 

I then get to have my breakfast in work after I've done the guests breakfasts 

A cuppa and some toast 

The at dinner time 

The chef keeps me a small dinner 

And I have that in the afternoon

So it's working out well

I feel no urge to purge 

As my body needs fuel if I am to keep going 

So all in all 

Things are going well

Every morning in my car on the way to work 

I turn down my radio 

And I ask God or the universe or who ever is up there 

To please help me get through the day 

And do my best 

And not to hurt myself or anyone else 

I don't know if that works 

But it can't hurt right?

Right 

I'm off for a cuppa 

See you on the next post...

What to do?

What would you do 

If someone patted you on the stomach

And told you that 'you've really filled out'

And when told that you are recovering from an eating disorder

Jiggles your arm

And continues to point out weight gain

Yes

This happened to me today 

Thankfully I had some good friends around me 

Who gently pointed out to this person

That I used to be at deaths door 

I was in shock at the time 

I couldn't quite believe this person put her hands on me

And jiggled my arm!!

I mean who does that?

I must point out 

That this happened at a meeting 

Where everyone is not well

But I think this person was way out of line 

Said person then asked me for a lift home!

Which I obliged 

Because I am a nice person

But really I wanted to throttle her

I couldn't even bring myself to make polite conversation on the way home

Now I am home 

I realise that I was in shock while she was pointing out my flabby bits 

I literally couldn't say anything 

One of my friends pulled me aside afterwards 

To make sure I was ok 

But Jesus H Christ 

Since when is it ok body shame a person like that?

I don't know 

I despair 

I went on an instant diet 

That lasted ten minutes 

I know better than to let a comment like that get the better of me

Interestingly 

This woman also commented to another lady that she had lost weight

So who knows 

Maybe this woman has her own issues with her weight 

You never know....

I was wondering about you

Has this or something similar ever happened to you?

How did you react?

Do you think it's body shaming?

Answers on a postcard please...

9 To 5....

Today is a glorious day

Today is utterly marvellous 

Because today 

Today I have a day off

A much needed day off

I don't even have horse riding today 

It's now 11am

And the whole day stretches before me 

With a whole lot of nothing to do

I woke up this morning with a start 

Thinking about what I had to do today

Usually if I'm working or heading off somewhere 

I get up an hour early to walk the dogs

I always make sure they get a walk

As they are hyper if they don't 

So I woke up this morning 

Then had the most delicious feeling 

When I realised that I had sweet f#*k all to do today 

I slept in until 8 30am people!

It was utter bliss

And it's great to feel like I earned my day off

I swear I am sleeping the best I ever have 

I can't make it past 10pm these nights 

I don't even read before going to bed 

I got up 

All the while enjoying the feeling that I had no where to be 

And nothing to do 

I had breakfast with my sister 

Then got dressed and headed out with Honey and Lea 

I try and bring them out early these days 

As it gets too hot during the day for them 

So

I piled the dogs in to the back of my car 

And we headed for the beach 

Where we had a lovely walk

Honey is looking like quite a character these days 

Her fur is long and shaggy 

She has one eye 

And ahe needs a good wash

She's like a little old lady 

And at the grand ol' age of eleven 

I guess she is 

After our walk 

I did a bit of shopping 

Before heading home

Yesterday 

I was in work in the morning 

To meet the other staff members 

They all seem lovely 

And again 

Georgina went through some policies and procedures 

It's great that she is so clear and direct 

Sometimes I need things spelled out for me 

Just so I am absolutely certain about what I need to do 

As I was standing there 

Side by side with my fellow workers 

I felt a great swell of pride 

I felt like now I am a working woman 

Part of the work force 

Part of a team 

Contributing to society 

And earning my keep 

It's been a long time since I had that feeling 

Like I am strong and independent 

Taking care of my own side of the street 

Earning money 

Maybe even treating myself to a little something 

When I get my first pay check

I have promised my Mum and sister that I will bring them out for dinner 

I can't wait to do that 

To give back some of the love and kindness that they show me all the time 

I am back in work tomorrow 

And I have 8 hour shifts every day until Tuesday 

So I really am being thrown in at the deep end 

But I guess that's the best way to learn 

I am super excited to start 

I was incredibly nervous and anxious 

But I just feel ready 

Ready to work 

And work hard 

There's nothing more I can learn 

With being on a live shift 

I've done all the theory I can 

It's time to put it in to practise

As for confidence?

Well 

I think it's a fake it till I make job

So this is it 

I'm starting work 

I can't quite believe it 

If you had told me a year ago that I would be starting work this summer 

A real proper grown up job

I would not have believed you 

In fact I would have laughed at you 

I was in such a dark place 

Since coming out of treatment two years ago 

I have been up and down and all over the place as far as my recovery was concerned 

But I think since Christmas 

I've been fairly steady and stable 

My weight is good 

My mood is also pretty good 

Starting horse therapy has been the catalyst I think 

It has literally been a life changer 

I've made new friends 

Real friends who just want the best for me 

I get to spend time with beautiful animals 

I get to learn a new skill 

I couldn't ask for more 

In AA and NA

They say that if you follow the programme 

You will obtain a life beyond your wildest dreams 

When I first heard this 

I thought it meant in terms of money and material gains 

Nice house 

New car 

Pretty clothes 

Plenty of money 

Now I know different 

Now I know that a life beyond your wildest dreams means something else 

It means being clean and sober 

Wanting to be clean and sober 

It means having peace of mind 

Which you just can't put a price on 

It means feeling good about myself 

Liking 

Even loving myself 

It means getting through the day without hurting myself or anyone else 

It has precious little to do with money 

So 

Please say a little prayer for me 

They I get on well in my new job 

Please send some positive vibes my way 

It's so exciting to have something positive to write about 

Please take comfort in the fact that I have come from a very dark place 

And know that it is possible to live a life without ED or addiction

Right 

I'm off to make a cup of tea 

And soak up some sun

Have a good Wednesday ya'll 

And I'll see you on the next post....